Monday, December 08, 2008

As Requested, Your Annual Bowl Preview

I know you are all desperate for your annual college football bowl summary and I will assume that you remember everything from last year's discussion। Maybe not. Here are the highlights:

1) The national championship game is Florida versus OKlahoma in Miami. If you are thinking that sounds like a home game for Florida, you are correct. The game location is set years ahead of time. Alabama was #1 in the country until Florida beat them in the SEC (Southeastern Conference) title game yesterday. Oklahoma won the Big 12 (Midwestern teams) title game, even though they maybe should have not been in it. Both Texas and Oklahoma had one loss, and Texas had beaten Oklahoma, but some magical computers said that Oklahoma should play in the Big12 title game instead of Texas because Texas was beaten by Texas Tech and Oklahoma destroyed Texas Tech. Confused? Oklahoma/Texas/Texas Tech were in the same division and where all better than Missouri, the team from the other division who lost badly to Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game.

We also have USC and Penn State with one loss, but they lost to crappy teams so they don't make it. WAIT! Florida also lost to a crappy team (Ole Miss) for their one loss, but because they lost early in the season people seem to forget that.

BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, Miami - Jan. 8, 8 p.m., FoxMatchup: BCS No. 1 vs. BCS No. 2 This week's projection: Oklahoma vs. Florida

Conclusion: Florida and Oklahoma in the title game. Oklahoma has scored 60 points in 5 straight games, so it should be pretty good.

2) WAIT! You are asking why undefeated Utah and Boise State are not playing in the title game? THey are undefeated, but they play in what is known as a non-BCS (Bowl Championship Series) conference like the Mountain West and the Western Athletic Conferences. Generally, this means that their schedules are a bit easier than a big conference and they get invited to the lesser BCS bowl games when they go undefeated. This pisses everybody off because their fans aren't as numerous and rich, but legally they have to do this or the federal government might start looking into all of this. The hearings would bankrupt the country given how complicated all of this is. The smaller schools like Utah and Boise State could get into the championship game if they scheduled some games against big conference schools (and win) but none of the big conference schools will give them games because... they might lose! Big schools schedule crap schools at home to guarantee a win and a payday.

This leaves us with the lesser of the BCS games. None are all that interesting, although USC is always good to watch. You can see that USC managed to snag a home game. It pays to be from a large city in a warm weather state because there is a chance you will get a home bowl game like USC and Florida.

ROSE BOWL, Pasadena, Calif। - Jan. 1, 4:30 p.m., ABCMatchup: BCS vs. BCS This week's projection: USC vs। Penn State

ORANGE BOWL, Miami - Jan। 1, 8 p.m., FoxMatchup: BCS vs. BCS This week's projection: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati

SUGAR BOWL, New Orleans - Jan. 2, 8:30 p.m., FoxMatchup: BCS vs. BCS This week's projection: Alabama vs. Utah

FIESTA BOWL, Glendale, Ariz. - Jan. 5, 8 p.m., FoxMatchup: BCS vs. BCS This week's projection: Texas vs. Ohio

3) Something to note that hasn't really been brought up. There are a lot of teams being scheduled for bowl games that are pretty much home games. I can only assume that this is due to the economy. WHo is going to travel across country to go and watch some shit bowl game? Schedule it down the road from the school and, voila!, good attendance.

EAGLEBANK BOWL, Washington - Dec. 20, 11 a.m., ESPNMatchup: Navy/at-large vs. ACC 9 This week's projection: Navy vs. Wake Forest

I don't know what Eaglebank is, but I know the Naval Academy is pretty damn close to Washington.

ST. PETERSBURG BOWL, St. Petersburg, Fla. - Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m., ESPN2Matchup: Big East 6 vs. Conference USA 5 This week's projection: South Florida vs. Memphis

South Florida is in Tampa. Tampa is beside St. Petersburg.

HAWAII BOWL, Honolulu - Dec. 24, 8 p.m., ESPNMatchup: Pac-10 6 vs. Western Athletic This week's projection: Notre Dame* at Hawaii

Hawaii gets to play in the Hawaii Bowl?!?!??! WHo would have thunk it?

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL, Orlando, Fla. - Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m., ESPNMatchup: ACC 4 vs. Big Ten 5 This week's projection: Florida State vs. Wisconsin

Florida State playing in Orlando? Seems about right.

EMERALD BOWL, San Francisco - Dec. 27, 8 p.m., ESPNMatchup: ACC 7 vs. Pac-10 4/5 This week's projection: Miami vs. California

California is California at Berkley. Berkley is near Oakland. THe Bay Bridge connects Oakland to San Francisco. SNAP! I can check this one out.

INDEPENDENCE BOWL, Shreveport, La. - Dec. 28, 8 p.m., ESPNMatchup: Big 12 8 vs. SEC 8 This week's projection: Central Michigan* vs. Louisiana Tech*

Louisiana Tech playing in Louisiana? No home field advantage here. I'm sure all 7 Central Michigan fans will make the drive to the middle of nowhere. Shreveport is 300 miles from the middle of nowhere. Except they used to have a CFL team.

4) It has been a very bad year for new and shitty bowl games. Here are a few classics that all kids dream of playing instead of spending the holidays with their families so that their school can make lots of money:

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL, Atlanta - Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m., ESPNMatchup: ACC 2 vs. SEC 5 This week's projection: Georgia Tech vs. LSU

Sweet, fast food! And Georgia Tech's campus is located where? In Atlanta!

HUMANITARIAN BOWL, Boise, Idaho - Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m., ESPNMatchup: ACC 8 vs. Western Athletic This week's projection: Maryland at Nevada

You would have to be a humanitarian to watch this piece of shit. I'm sure the entire state of Maryland wants to go to Boise, Idaho to watch this piece of shit. I am just shocked that Boise State is not playing in this one.

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL, Birmingham, Ala. - Dec. 29, 3 p.m., ESPNMatchup: Big East 4 vs. SEC 9 This week's projection: Rutgers vs. N.C. State*

? A bowl sponsored by a website for a company that makes shitty pizza. PLay it on a MONDAY at 3:00pm? What is not to like? And what person from New Jersey (Rutgers is the state university of New Jersey) is not excited about a Monday afternoon bowl game in Birmingham, Alabama?

MEINEKE CAR CARE, Charlotte, N.C. - Dec. 27, 1 p.m., ESPNMatchup: ACC 6 vs. Big East 3 This week's projection: North Carolina vs. West Virginia

Since the Poulan/Weed-eater Bowl got retired, this is now the shittiest bowl name. And it is not even close. Wait, also sucks pretty hard. At least it is on a Saturday. WAIT! North Carolina playing in Charlotte? Interesting, indeed.

LAS VEGAS BOWL, Las Vegas - Dec. 20, 8 p.m., ESPNMatchup: Mountain West 1 vs. Pac-10 4/5 This week's projection: BYU vs. Arizona

I will highlight this for 2 reasons. One, Danny Smiles and I can go to this. Two, what better way to help the Las Vegas economy than inviting A MORMON SCHOOL TO LAS VEGAS!

5) Your chance to check out a bowl:

NTERNATIONAL BOWL, Toronto - Jan. 3, noon, ESPN2Matchup: Big East 5 vs. Mid-American 2 This week's projection: Arkansas State* vs. Buffalo

Buffalo has never been in a bowl game. They were invited to one in the 1950s and decided not to go because they would not be allowed to play their black players. It has taken 50 years and the addition of 20 bowl games for the forces to align to get them back to a bowl game. For all their hard work, they get to take a bus to Toronto. I didn't even know Arkansas State had a football team, so I cannot comment. The only question is if this will have better attendance than an Argos game.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


You can be negative and cry about your stocks, or you can be happy that you did not buy a house. And don't think it will magically not happen in Toronto and Vancouver. Ideally, you would own a $500,000 house in the suburbs, own tons of financials in your portfolio, and then lose your job.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Hey, can somebody please diagram for me why the fine people from Enron should not be allowed out of prison? Seems like they were pioneers, not criminals.


Friday, September 19, 2008


What's funny is that Henry Paulson used to be CEo of Goldman Sachs. When he started working for the government, he would have been forced to move all of his money to treasuries to avoid conflict of interest. That probably saved him many millions of dollars. Of course, he is bailing out all his old friends, but what is a few trillion here and there?

Best quote I have heard in a while: "Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke are screwing so many future generations that they should have to register on the pedophile sex offender website."

"We are from the government and we are here to help."


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thoughts on the Fannie/Freddie Ordeal

The treasury secretary Henry Paulson, an unelected official, and Ben Bernanke, an unelected official, decide to increase the national debt by $1-$5 trillion during a weekend.

Ohhhhhhh... and Henry Paulson, if I am not mistaken, used to be CEO or chairman of Goldman Sachs.

And Bill Gross, who runs the biggest bond fund in the world, seems over joyed about the whole thing. What's this? His fund was 65% in Freddie and Fannie backed bonds? oh.

And Chris Dodd, the senate banking head, says he is interested in getting more information about the whole thing. WTF? Was he not invited to the meeting? But wait, his name is on the bill for the government take over.

All these taxes and debt and 50 million people don't have health care. Good work. Fine work.



Monday, March 24, 2008

Your Guide to the NCAA Basketball Tournament

Since you loved my football analysis, here is basketball.

Along time ago, there was something called the National
Invitational Tournament (NIT). At the end of the basketball
season, somebody invited the 32 best teams in the country
and they played to determine a champion. Sounds good. The
problem was that the NCAA was not making any money, so they
invented their own tournament of 32 teams. The best 32
teams in the country would play for the NCAA championship.
Undeterred, the NIT STILL had their tournament with the
next best 32 teams in the country. Why? Nobody knows. It is
like having the Grey Cup.

Years later, they expanded the field to 64 teams.

Now, there are 300+ division 1 basketball teams. There
are MANY schools you have not heard of. Schools like
University of Maryland - Baltimore County Retrievers,
Campbell Fighting Camels, and the Tulane Green Wave. What
makes the tournament great is that every conference
champion makes the big tournament. Schools that nobody has
ever heard of make it each year. BUT, the best teams in the
conference don't get in. The winner of the conference
tournament at the end of the year (before the big
tournament) makes it to "The Big Dance." A team
can get lucky and make it. See: 20 LOSS Coppin State making
it this year. I have no idea where Coppin State is or what
conference they play in.

So, we get around 31 conference champions and 34 at
large teams selected by a committee. The selection process
is given more attention than the presidential election. The
seletion committee matches the team up from worst to best
in 4 16-seed regions. The best teams get to play close to
home (the sites are determined years ahead of time, but no
team can play in their home arena). For example, North
Carolina is the best team and will play their first two
games in Raleigh and their second two games in Charlotte.

Things to consider:

1) You are thinking: WAIT, 31 + 34 makes 65 teams! WTF!
You are right, about 5 years ago they added the play-in
game for two teams that are terrible. These teams have to
play to determine who sucks a little less and this team
gets to play North Carolina in the first round and lose by
40 points. They did this to add another BCS (you remember
the bowl championship series) team to the tournament for
money purposes.

2) Each city hosts two rounds of games and then the
sites rotate. Teams will play this Thursday-Saturday and
Friday-Sunday in some city and then move on to a new city
if they do not lose. The Final Four is MASSIVE and is in
San Antonio this year.

3) They still have the NIT tournament where the second
best 64 teams in the country have a tournament to determine
who is the 66th best team in the country. I CANNOT MAKE
THIS UP. Nobody knows why it exists.

4) No 16th seed has ever beaten a #1 seed. Not ever.
Four #15 seeds have been #2 seeds.

5) The tournament always starts during March break.

6) This month long
tournament occurs during the final exam for these schools.
These student athletes can study hard and play hard!

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Gym Magazine Observations

I used to get Money magazine as some sort of add-on to Fortune. It is exactly the same as Kiplinger's, which I read on the Stairmaster yesterday.

Picture of slim white couple in new clothes. Caption: "Steve and Madison Henderson of Minneapolis bought there downtown condo for $299,000 after shopping around."

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Where do they find these people and why do I care that they bought a condo in Minneapolis?

I then read an article about a couple looking to sell their house and invest the proceeds. Near the end, the article says something like they should invest in a mutal fund, like the M*rsico 21st Century Fund. LOOK! M*rsico Funds have the ad on the back of the magazine! What are the odds?

What a piece of s***.


Monday, March 10, 2008


Silicon Valley Hummer is going out of business. How will I be able to spot the douchebags?


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Sometimes I Think The World Would Be Better Off Without People

I had some Cavs game 2 tickets on Ebay. My phone battery died last night and I worked late. I get up in the morning and I have many e-mails from the lady who won the tickets. I also had a Paypal dispute opened because she had paid and I had ripped her off. She had also left a voicemail and had my voicemail indicate an emergency.

I sent her the tickets. One HOUR after the auction had ended.

The United States Postal Service is Fantastic

I was at the post office today.

Lady: "I would like to buy a sheet of stamps."
Postal Worker: "Would you like to buy the 41 cent first class stamps or the new first class good forever stamps?"
Lady: "How much are those ones?"
Postal Worker: "41 cents."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Short History of the American College Bowl System

In the beginning...

In the early days, there were 6-8 big conferences in college football. The Pac-10
(Stanford, UCLA, USC, etc.), Big 10 (Michigan, Iowa, etc.), SEC
(Florida, Tennessee, etc.). They were all regional since travel was
expensive and difficult. Each conference would play all the other
teams in the conference and crown a champion. Makes sense. At the end
of the season, champs of the different conferences would meet in the
bowl games:

Pac-10 vs Big-10 in the Rose Bowl
ACC vs. Big East in the Orange Bowl.

I have no idea why they are called bowls, but the actual stadiums were named after
the bowls. The Orange Bowl is a stadium in the ghetto of Miami near
the airport. The Rose Bowl is a sweet stadium in Los Angeles. The
game was not just a game. There would be a parade, pageant, carnival,
the whole deal. Remember, people didn't travel much back in the day,
so a guy from Michigan going to Los Angeles was a big deal. The
winner of the game would be the Rose Bowl champ or the Fiesta Bowl
champ. There was no national championship game. The coaches and
reporters would have a vote and declare who was champion. Remember,
there may be two undefeated teams in the country, but they would only
meet if it happened in the standard bowl match-up.

Later on...

Cities noticed how great the bowls are. Tourists would come to town, spend lots of
money, and party it up. Some more bowl games were created since there
were plenty of good teams not playing in bowls. For example, the
Cotton Bowl (in Dallas) may showcase the #2 Big 12 team against the
#2 Pac-10 team. The fans would still come and spend some money and
everybody was happy. These new bowls were generally created in
tourist freindly places such as Orlando (Citrus Bowl) or Jacksonville
(Gator Bowl). There is still no national championship game. People
just voted on it.

Some more time passes...

LOTS of dubious bowls have been created because the money is good. Teams get paid to play. The bigger the bowl, the bigger the paycheck. The #7 team in
the SEC might play the #5 team in the Pac-10 in the Meineke Car Care
Bowl. There is also the
bowl, the Pulian Weedeater Bowl, and even the Gaylord Hotels Bowl.
None of these are made up. The
Bowl is a favourite. Still, I am not making this up. New bowls were
also needed as the country expanded and new athletic conferences were
created. We now have the WAC (Boise State, Fresno State, etc.),
Conference USA (Memphis, South Florida, etc.) and a whole bunch more.
But the big bowl games and the power conferences (Pac-10, SEC, etc.)
remained the same.

Now, because there are now 40 bowls, the lesser ones would have dubious match-ups
of 6-6 or 7-5 teams. They would also be in less glamourous locales
such as Detroit, Boise, or Nashville. Still, there is no game for the
national championship.

10 years ago...

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is created. The power conferences (Pac-10,
Big East, SEC, ACC, Big 10, Big 12) and Notre Dame (they are not in a
conference because they make more money not being in one. Don't ask
about this) decide that there is beaucoup $$$$$$$$ if they can
somehow have a national championship game. Basically, a Super Bowl.
Here is what they did. They took the four biggest bowls (Orange,
Fiesta, Rose, and Sugar) and designated one as the national
championship game. They took the winners of the 6 power conferences,
Notre Dame (if they were deemed good enough that year), and 1 or 2
at-large bids. They then set up the Bowl games to feature the "best"
match-ups. They would try to keep it traditional (Big 10 vs Pac-10 in
the Rose Bowl), but it did not always happen. Now, the game that was
deemed the national championship game that year would feature the #1
and #2 BCS teams. How were they chosen? By a mix of voters and
complex computer algorithms that rated the wins/losses/strength of
schedule/margin of victory of all the teams. I am not making this up.
Not surprisingly, the computer has made some dubious choices in some
years. It is easy when a power conference team is undefeated, but how
about when there are 5 teams with one loss?

5 years ago...

The members of the non-power conferences threatened to sue since they were getting
shut out of the big money BCS games. The BCS agreeed to invite
non-BCS conference teams if they finished high enough in the BCS
computer ranking. I am still not making any of this up. This is how
Boise State managed to play in last night's Fiesta Bowl against a
traditional powerhouse team (Oklahoma). You will also notice that
they won. A non-BCS school will never make it to the national
championship game unless they play a tough out of conference
schedule. Boise Sate went undefeated during the regular season
against crap schools.

This year...

Because they might have to let 1 or 2 non-BCS schools in, the BCS has added a
national championship game. It is not called Bowl or anything. So, we
now have the Orange, Sugar, Fiesta, and Rose Bowl. One week later, we
have a national championship game. The teams in this game do not play
in the Orage, Sugar, Fiesta, or Rose. It is a completely new "bowl".

So, here are this year's BCS bowl match-ups:

Fiesta: Oklahoma(Big 12 champ) vs Boise State (at large due to going
Sugar: Notre Dame (always overrated enough to get in
because they attract big TV $$$) vs. LSU (at large)
Louisville (Big East champ) vs. Wake Forest (ACC champ)
Michigan (at large) vs USC (Pac-10 champ)
National Champiosnip game: Florida (SEC champ) vs. Ohio State (Big 10 champ)

There was controversy about Florida being chosen (by the computers) over
Michigan to play in the national championship game. Michigan got
smoked by UCS last night in the Rose Bowl, so there is not more
discussions about this.


material #1

This is just for the 100 or so division 1 schools. There is also division 1-AA,
division 2, and division 3. All other divisions have playoffs like
normal leagues. There is no money to be made in lower divisions.

Additional material #2

EVERY team also has a big rivalry game each year, usually in November. These rivalry games are sometimes bigger than the bowl games that the teams get to.
Most of these games have funky names. Washington vs Washington State
is for the Apple Cup. These trophies have been around forever. Oregon
vs. Oregon State is called the Civil War. Some teams play for the Big
Axe. Some for the Big Brown Jug. I can't make this sh*t up.


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Monday, November 06, 2006

Marketing Comedy

I just saw this commercial for ADT security systems. It has mothers sitting with their kids and holding up signs telling why they bought an ADT alarm system. Shit like: Daddy travels a lot. I was laughing thinking of making an honest commercial why people buy alarm systems:

"A black man moved in next door."

"Because alarm system company commercials make me paranoid."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Today's Most Annoying People

People who still use read receipts on e-mails. I'm just saying.

Al Gore and an Unfortunate Truth

Al Gore makes a movie telling us that we need to do something about global warming. Was he not vice president for 8 friggin' years? Could he have not fit this into his schedule then?

Stealing my Jokes

I seem to have a case of the Mondays.

Bill Simmons (the ESPN Sports Guy) was on Adam Coralla this morning. Sadly, they have stolen some of my material. They were doing a classic movie review of Con Air and Adam says, "Why is it that in all bad action movies, somebody has to say the name of the movie at some point?" I can no longer use my routine on telling how bad a Seagal movie is by how early in the movie he says the title.

Color Me Badd

I often lay awake at night wondering what ever became of Color Me Badd.


Any good WNBA games this weekend? Did anybody else watch the highlights on Sportcentre/Sportscenter of the WNBA all-star game where everybody just started standing around while one of them tried to dunk? Comedy.


I have quit my position as head coach of the Togo soccer team to be GM of the New York Islanders.

King of Cars on A&E

Capitalism at its finest. Dude sells crazy amount of cars with sweet cheesy informercials. God Bless America.

The interesting thing about this show is how bad the average person's credit is. Everybody who walks in the place is credit "challenged" but still wants to buy an Escalade. Even worse is that they don't mind being on national television showing off their lousy credit.

1 Year Anniversary!

It is my one year anniversary here! I will be wearing my company pin proudly for the next year. It also means that I don't have to pay back my relocation expenses if I left.

Who I want at my poker table

The totally non-filtered list of people I want at my poker table:

1) Men over 50 who are wearing shirts that were obviously ironed by their wives.
2) Young asian males.
3) Men in their 30s with mullets or biker looking.
4) Middle age white women.

The totally non-filtered list of people I do not want at my poker table:

1) Late 20's Indian guys who work at Microsoft.
2) Older Asian women.
3) Old white men who never talk.


Here is my situation. My job is not that thrilling. But it is 9-5:30 and not very stressful. The company has tons of bonuses, parties, and shit like that. I had my quarterly review yesterday and I scored "well above expectations" despite being my usual self. My boss noted my sometimes lack of enthousiasm. This did not shock me. I get this EVERY review.

The difficulty is that I am so bored that I may go on a shooting rampage anyday now. Seattle is the city that fun forgot. My co-worker's wife asked me if I liked Seattle and I gave a vague answer. She said, "Ya, it sucks here." Going to Vegas three times in 3 months may be a sign.

Option #1 is to be lazy and just stay here until I get my green card in a year. I have no idea what to do after that, besides look for jobs in South Florida, Vegas, or California.

Option #2 is to try to move back to Toronto. This is likely almost impossible as every GreenElbow employee is looking for the same job and the Sregor messaging people hate me.

Option #3. I have not thought of it yet.

Frig, where is spell check? Enthousiastic is spelled poorly.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

My Time at the WSOP

1) Dan Alspach and JJ Liu dress the same each day. How do you approach this topic when you start a new relationship? "We have been together for two months now and I think it is time we start dressing the same." How do you start this conversation.

This is almost as irritating as parents who dress identical twins the same. Somebody has to make this a felony. If online poker can be a felony, why can't this be?

2) People who wear bluetooth headsets in a giant casino where talking on your cellphone is banned.

3) This Persian guy gave a "this game is soooo cruel, oh my God!" routine before going all in for $50 more into a $400 pot. He had aces full of queens. For 5 hands in a row after that, I said, "This game is sooo cruel." before folding. It was comedy.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


The funniest thing I saw at the WSOP were kids (outside of the main room) asking "stars" for their autographs. First of all, autographs are dumb. Second of all, Mike Matusow is a broke, asshole, convicted felon who gambles for a living. Perhaps the parents of these children should be watching them a little more closely.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Is this funny?

Sign outside Lakeview Elementary School near my house:

Have a great summur.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Personal Trainers

My new topic of perplexion is personal trainers. I took some of my poker winnings and joined the new 24hr Fitness on the way to work. OK, it is only $40 per month, so I really didn't have to use my poker winnings.

I notice that they have a package that costs $250 for 5 one hour sessions with a personal trainer. I think this might be money well spent as I would like to learn some new routines, exercises, etc. The membership guy calls over a personal trainer to give me the speech.

PT: "What are you looking to do?"
KW: "I would like to learn some new exercises and routines to make my workouts a little more interesting."
PT: "We have some great programs to bulk up your muscles and get you lean! We can put you on a diet plan that will maximize your results!"

Anything anybody in the workout industry says seems to be followed by a !.

KW: "Ummm, I don't really want you to put me on a diet plan. I just want to learn some new exercises."
PT: "You can't build all of that muscle without a proper diet!"
KW: "Ummmm, I don't really want to build any muscle."

I cannot describe the look of shock and horror on the man's face. I then realized that his whole existence was based on the fact that people like me wanted to look like him. Shockingly, I have no desire to put on another ounce of muscle. All I want to do is feel healthier and drop fat. He really seemed to have nowhere to go in the sales pitch after this. Apparently, I am not allowed to just want to learn some new exercises and routines.

Dixie Chicks

Anybody catch 60 minutes last night with The Dixie Chicks? They committed career suicide three years ago by saying that they were ashamed that President Bush was also from Texas. They seem to want to completely make sure the career was dead last night with a few more stab wounds. I think modern country music sucks, but the Dixie Chicks suck less than the rest. Kind of like how Kanye West doesn't suck as much as modern rap music.

Basically, their new song is not being played on mainstreeam country music stations because a few hundred people called in to complain about them speaking freely in a country with free speech. Shockingly, their new single is the #1 download on iTunes. It is fantastic to live in a country where the lowest common demoninator of stupidtude now rules. One of the Dixie Chicks then says, "I can't listen to country radio anymore. They have given it back to the rednecks who play red, white, and blue guitars." They might as well get caught whacking off in a pr0n theatre like PeeWee Herman.

Shit like this just leaves me shaking my head wondering why radio and network TV is dying. Gee, you can't figure it out? 2 songs followed by 5 minutes of jewelry store commercials followed by the same two songs? The same reality show followed by the same sitcom followed by 15 minutes of commercials? It almost makes me want to go see Mission Impossible 3. OK, I am making that up. There is nothing on this planet that would make me go see Mission Impossible 3.

I wonder if this conversations is happening between white trash trailer living mothers and daughters all across the South?

Little Girl: "Mom, can I please have the new Dixie Chicks CD?"
White Trash Mom: "No!"
Little Girl: "But, mom! I really like their music. They write songs, play lots of instruments, seem like good mothers, and can speak like intelligent human beings. Shouldn't I be interested in celebrities like this?"
White Trash Mom: "No, we can't have people like that on the radio. Now pass me that US Weekly so that I can keep up on whether Denise Richards is banging Richie Sambora or Charlie Sheen or some new friend's husband."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why Comcast (USA) is better than Rogers (Canada)

Comcast sucks, but they do offer free McAfee virus and firewall software on their website to all their customers. Is this not better than suspending my account 3 times like Rogers did?

"Sir, we need to suspend you for a month because you seem to have a virus."

"Will you be charging me."


"Are we really having this conversation?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Things to do in Southern Florida

As a former resident, let me offer the following suggestions:

Pure Platinum
Cheetah's in Pompano Beach

Lucille's Bad to the Bone BBQ. Off Yamato Road in Boca Raton, West of 95. This
place is DAMN good and reasonably priced.
There is a chain of subshops that is insane. What the hell is it called again?
Ask around, people will know. The morning host on 94.9 Zeta is always talking a
bout it. The subs are huge.
Coppercom. I think my old desk is a museum. FAU Blvd.
There is a strange zoo around the Miami airport with animals that have escaped
from customs. Only the ones that are not Haitian delicacies are still around.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Here are the priority lists for purchases in Indonesia:

1) TV
2) Satellite dish
3) Motorcycle
4567) Walls
1232323) Clean water
1232324) Education

Monday, November 28, 2005

NFL Comedy

New England versus Kansas City. It starts raining heavily in KC.

Announcer: "If things couldn't get any worse for Tom Brady, now he has to worry about wet balls."

Friday, November 18, 2005

Desi Relations

My favourite hobby at work is to bait my Indian co-workers into trying to explain their culture to me. I always ask lots of question and pretend not to understand.

Today, my co-worker asks about this woman Michelle who sits near him. Michelle is around our age and is reasonably attractive.

Chandra: "Who's kids are those in the pictures in Michelle's cubicle? Are those her nieces?"

Me: "No, she has two kids."

Chandra: "This is not possible, she just got married 6 weeks ago."

I nearly peed myself laughing.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Scalper, Part 2

The continuation of the conversation:

Me: I will give you $40.
Scalper: $60.
Me: $40
Scalper: $50
Me: $40.
Scalper: OK.

I could have probably gone to $25 and still gotten it, but I wasn't in the mood.

Ticket Scalpers

If I had a nickel for everytime I have had this conversation with a scalper:

Me: Do you have anything in the lower bowl?
Scalper: Yes, $80.
Me: But they are still selling tickets at the box office.
Scalper: Then go buy them there!
Me: OK.
Scalper: Wait, how much are you looking to spend?

The supply/demand equation seems to fail some of these people.

Arena Security

Announcement at the arena: "All patrons must undergo a full search. You may decide to forgo the search and a full ticket refund will be provided."

Nice way to prevent a scalper from losing money.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Racist Soccer Fans

Will they refund the fans for the bananas thrown at the black players?

My Comcast On Demand had that episode of Real Sports about crazy racists in European soccer. It was so good it was comedy. Bryant Gumbel is sitting there talking to the head of UEFA about the banana throwing. He basically says, "So, you and the other 30 old white men whose pictures are on the wall behind me don't plan on doing anything about this?" They even had footage (I didn't get the player's name) of a top Roma player giving the crowd a Hitler salute at the end of a game. Classic.

They had an entire section of the stadium. They had a GIANT banner that said Aushwitz is your home, the ovens are your home. We are not talking about a little poster here. It was the entire end of the stadium.

My old co-workers say East Indian people can't get into many bars in Calgary.


Background: my neighbour is one of those early 20's males who seems to be required to be too loud at all times. It doesn't bother me too lmuch, since I am out very late on weekends anyway.

Dateline today: I am sitting on the can (the window faces the front) and some condo type lady comes over. I think he may be living short-term for free off a relative or something. There was a For Sale sign out front. The condo lady gives him a verbal bitch slap and tells him he will not be living there much longer if he is not quiet. She also mentions that he is not to have anyone else staying over, blah, blah. Comedy. It's so funny when a 20-something year old male has to kiss some older lady's ass with Yes. ma'ams.

Monday, October 24, 2005


My friend Danny would love working here. This is an e-mail I received this morning.

Hi Kent,

I was unsucessful import the data from XYZ to report database. I am trying to reimport again. I will let you know when the I am done.



Monday, July 04, 2005

Politically Correct

My co-worker was filling out his semi-annual review. When he was done, there was
a "check laguage" button. The intent was to remove any controversial,
politically incorrect language. He pushed it and it changed the word project to subsidized

Not made up.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

My Favourite My Favourite Football/Soccer Team

I was diving with an old British dude who demanded that I watch his Preston North team battle West Ham United for a spot in the Barclay Card Fly Emirates Carlsberg Premiership. They will be my new favourite team if they make it.

Monday, May 23, 2005


Done five dives already in lovely Tobago. Two more tomorrow morning. Four were j
ust the "usual" reef fish with lots of colours, barracuda, puffers, and shit lik
e that. This morning's first dive was crazy. We went about 80-90 feet down (in t
heory, deeper than I am supposed to go) into this sunken wreck. We went in and a
round the wreck. Two crazy big spotted eagle rays and a cool sea turtle came by
to check us out. The second ray's tail/stinger thingy had to be at least 6 or 7
feet long. Much like the ladies around Danny Miles, the fish here will just come
by to say hello.

It is friggin' hot here today. I thought I was just being a white guy, but one o
f the locals said it is scorching today. I think I am getting a sunburn throw th
e walls of the Internet cafe. I saw a guy walking his goats today. There are goa
ts everywhere and this guy had like 20 on a leash. Some other person's goat who
was grazing came over to join the party and the guy was going crazy trying to sh
oo the poor goat away.

Friday, May 20, 2005


We went from 130 to 133 today on the Trinidad murder count. This does not include
the two people who had their throats slit last night and arenot yet dead.

My new biggest annoyance at work is people who use e-mail options. The first annoying
one is the guy who sets all of his messages as high importance. I find it
highly important to ignore his. The other annoyance is the people who set that stupid
"THis person has requested that you send him/her a delivery receipt" shit
everytime I look at one of their e-mails. Stop it. Please. The first person to
combine the two (assuming it is not a majorly important e-mail) is going to get a
beat down.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Trinidad Murder Scoreboard

5 people shot last night in Port of Spain, but only one of them died. I guess th
is is considered a successful night in law enforcement. The local newspaper now
has a murder scoreboard on page 3. It stands at 129 for the year.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Trinidad News For May 16th, 2005

This morning's news stories:

1) Cricket team gets swept again.
2) 5 murders in 36 hours on the weekend.
3) People riot when they are turned away from a Gospel concert. Oy vey!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Sugar Ray, Michael Bolton, Beenie Man

The newspaper said that Michael Bolton, Sugar Ray, and Beenie Man all rocked this
weekend in Port of Spain.

The review for Sugar Ray said that they played Poison's 1987 hit Every Rose Has
It's Thorn. They said that Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray wrote it. WTF? He can't be
that old and I remember seeing Bret Michaels on MTV Cribs telling the story of him
writing it. Without looking it up, who thinks that Mark McGrath actually wrote

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Trinidad Clubs

There are 2 or 3 upscale kind of clubs here. The rest are local corner bars with $1 Stag and Carib. I'm not sure if the later is a good idea.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

MrKW meets Michael Bolton

Totally true story:

Last night, we were outside this Port of Spain nightclub called 51 degrees. My drunken co-worker was doing his best to smooth talk the VIP line bouncer without muched luck.

Mandeep (yes, that Mandeep): "Come on! Let us in. We come here all the time. blah blah blah blah."

Me: "Mandeep, this line is only for important people like Michael Bolton."

Michael Bolton: "Hey, how's it going?"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Life Lesson From Kent Stalker

I have learned in life to never get my hopes up.

Music Downloads

SHIIIIITT! I downloaded Still D.R.E. and it is the damn radio edit. Who owns this and who admits it by making it available for download?

I also downloaded the clean version of Straight out of Compton. "From a super dope group with attitude!"

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Trinnie Time

FRRRIIGGGG, Trinidaddy time is slowing me down. We went to Subway today. THe line-up to get the food was 15 minutes. Then we had to wait in line 10 minutes just to pay. FRRRIGIGG. And there were 8 people working there. Subway is a bad business model here because Trinnies must discuss everything. "IS this enough lettuce?" "Is this enough sauce?"

Speaking of Movie Towne, we went back there yesterday for lunch. Again, they didn't have any fish at the fish restaurant. I think I told you this, but it makes my head shake. And there is no sign that says: No fish. How hard is that? You either have fish or you don't.



Remaking Vanilla Ice on VH1. He has this big comeback concert and he gets pissed because they put his Ice, Ice Baby picture on the ticket. After the show, the big record company executive says, "His drummer rocked."

Two day later the drummer quit.

Monday, May 02, 2005


BIG news today. Cher's farewell tour ended in Los Angeles last night after 300 shows in 3 years.

On the E True Hollywood Story of the Carter family, they said that Aaron Carter himself was making $50,000 per show. You would have to figure that Cher was making at least $100,000 per night. $10,000,000 a year for being a has-been is not bad. Of course, she did have to go to Winnipeg. Twice.

We make fun, but I made $1200US off this "diva". Row 1 in the gayest town in America, baby!


Last week's from Atlantis in the Bahamas was craptacular.

I am bored. Bored, bored, bored. We went into a restaurant for lunch and ordered fish. No fish. I then ordered to lamb and waited 30 minutes. This was at a "fast" food restaurant. We were the only ones in the restaurant.

Friday, April 29, 2005


MTV hasn't played a new non-boyband video in 10 years. It is so craptacular that I cannot describe it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Beautiful People

It's nice to see when two gorgeous people can find each other.,19736,1055127,00.html

Garbage, Newspapers

They don't haul away garbage here.

The local paper on MOnday had the best cover. The headline was about a guy who escaped from kidnappers after being kept in a hole for 4 days. The picture was a kid holding a 10 foot albino burmese python (a special event at the zoo - totally unrelated). I thought that the guy had been held by kidnappers and they had tried to kill him with a giant snake.

Trinidad Time, Cuban Time

Trinidad rocks. We went to this North American style sandwich place today. Not very big. There were about 10 Trinis working there with a white woman manager going crazy due to the chaos. Trinidadian time is only slightly slower than Cuban time.

Lionel Ritchie is playing here this weekend just down the road. Michael Bolton next weekend. I can't decide which one to go to.

(Hello? Is it me your looking for?)

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

New Consultancy

Sorry for the slow responses. I guess I am working on Trinny time. There were five people working at Subway today and still a huge lineup at 8:00pm. They asked me my order 4 times. Each time, they repeated it back correctly. Then asked again. Everything takes sooooo long here. My co-worker Pete and I are starting a business consulting firm. We will go into the business and keep yelling, "Hurry the fuck up!"

Monday, April 25, 2005

Full House Question

Danny Miles, if Danny Tanner and Jesse's wife hosted a local morning show, why where they always there at breakfast talking to the kids?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Canadian Content in Trinidad

Did you know that you can be driving through the jungle in Trinidad and still hear Nickelback? Twice. And Simple Plan. And they aren't required to play this shit by law.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


I wonder how many people in Trinidad are watching the women's World Curling Championships on ESPN2? Talk about smart programming.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Just down the street from my work...

I busted out my gat and my tek9. Seriously, this shit is just down the street.

"REAL people have to dead up in the Terrace by Thursday."

Members of a John John gang ensured their leaders' word bore fruit when they shot and killed Plaisance Terrace resident Oba Jones on the bustling Independence Square minutes after midday struck yesterday.

The incident occurred around 12.05 p.m., on the Brian Lara Promenade, directly opposite Republic Bank and just across the road from the Police Mobile Unit.

Shoppers and many workers out on their lunch break were forced to scamper for cover when the four shots rang out.

Dudes, read the paragraph where the woman who was shot in the leg says that she is upset that she didn't get to eat her lunch. Sweet!

One of the bullets struck 21-year-old Licensing Office clerk Lystra Wright in the lower left leg. Wright had just come out of the bank and was on her way to purchase lunch when she was hit.

Speaking with the Daily Express from her hospital bed, Wright said she did not recall hearing the gunshots. She said she was on her way to get lunch at the Voyager Mall, and realised she was shot when she felt a burning sensation in her leg and looked down and saw a small hole. She was in good spirits, saying the one thing that angered her was that she was unable to get her lunch.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Second Day In Trinidad

Another guy took my drink today.

We went into this store for breakfast and it had this sign posted. I can't summarize it all:
1) Our employees will not talk on the phone while a customer is waiting.
2) Our employees will not gossip while a customer is waiting.

I am still searching for an actual cup of coffee. Rumour has it that they serve it in the morning. The place down the street called "The Excellent Mall" closes at 5:00.

Monday, April 18, 2005

First Day In Trinidad

I am at Hosein's Roti Hut near all the banks around Frederick street. Five people entered the restaurant, walked up to me, and asked me if they could eat my food.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


I have now spent as much time in Barbados on a layover as I have in Winnipeg. Barbados looks slightly nicer.

Port of Spain is rather odd. Rumour has it that they speak English here, but I am not convinced. I am doing the "answer the question you think the person is asking routine."

Woman at roti place doing a sweeping motion with hand: "jkfjwkfjwkjfwkfjwk"
Me: "Yes" (I would like everything on it).
WOman at roti place looks at drink fridge: "jdfksjf jsdfksjf jsdfkjsfkj".
Me: "Orange"..
WOman ar roti place shakes head: "skjaskj sdfkjskfj"
Me: "Grape".

Grabell, tell this one to Alvin. I am at Hosein's Roti Hut near all the banks around Frederick street. Five people entered the restaurant, walked up to me, and asked me if they could eat my food.

I will not be staying a year.

Monday, April 11, 2005

On Saturday the Adventure Begins...

I will arrive in Trinidad and Tobago on Saturday.
Then I will be kidnapped, tied up with barbed
wire, thrown in a trunk, left to bake in the sun for
three days with no water, filling my pants with
my own faeces and urine. Periodically my
kidnappers will burn me with cigarettes.
When they finally learn that I am not rich
they will set the car on fire after shooting
me non-fatally 4 times in the gut.
Part in Trinidad in 4 days.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Spring Ahead

I think this might be the one Blue Jay game to hit this year.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Relocation Comedy

I had my final meeting with the relocation people today. They really turned the screws on me. I said that it didn't look like $30US per day wouldn't be enough for a rental car. They gave me $60CAN, but I have to not rent a Hummer. They screwed me over by only giving me 2 flights home instead of 3. I guess this means I am leaving.

Always right,

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Johnnie Cochran[...]/ap_on_re_us/obit_cochran

Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into Johnnie Cochran right near Danny Miles' old crib? We discussed suing for the sleeping in the car episode.

Results of Meeting

My meeting with my senior VP today was good comedy. He told me that this Trinidad deal was huge, it was important, yada, yada, yada. HE asked me when I was going to fly down and I told him around April 18th assuming we get the final details of my relocation worked out. He asked me for a list of my "concerns" and I gave them to him. He said, "No worries, it will be taken care of." Ahhhhh, free apartment, rental car, and flights home every three months. All is good as long as I don't get shot.

It would be insanity for me to not at least go and check it out. My only expenses will be food, gas, and ammo.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

My Boss's Boss's Boss, Truckers

I told my VP that the deal for Trinidad was not acceptable. I now have a big meeting with the senior VP tomorrow. Who knew this was all it took to get meetings with the big people at my company. I told Grabell that it will go one of two ways:

1) Come on, be a team player!
2) Sign the damn deal!

On my way home, I was almost killed by an 18 wheeler. I am on the 401-427 junction and I get in the second lane because the first lane is merging. This 18 wheeler comes screaming up the merging lane and cuts in front of me doing 140km/h. I am about to die so I jam on my breaks and pray nobody is anywhere behind me. I just miss him and I hit the gas because I know this mother fucker has to have a phone number on the back of his trailer. I do at least 140 and I can't catch him. He knows I am after him so he speeds up. It is like the guy from the Terminator is driving. I catch up to him and he does have a phone number on the back. I left a llllooonnngggg message on some guys machine telling him the driver of truck 6344 is a motherfucker.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Virgin Mobile

This man is simply one of the greatest reasons for the Internet to exist. 100,000,000 friggin' hits on his site. Simply amazing for a bitter guy from Utah whose opinions always seem to be dead on. Next time you read one of the RETARDED Virgin Mobile ads on the subway, think of how many "cool" people it took to come up with those ads. They would beg for 100,000 hits on what I can only assume is a lame website. I was first annoyed by Virgin Mobile advertising when Fortune wrote a story telling me how cool the ad guys are. Then I had to receive a vomitous ad in Fortune that was a direct rip-off of the truthful airplane pamphlet idea from Fight Club. I will go out of my way to never purchase a product from this company. Much like I will try to never buy a KitKat due to that annoying commercials with the two guys who say dude a lot.

I know I'm right already...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

What to do today

If you had to do one thing today, which would you choose:

1) Go see that new Ashton Kutcher movie
2) Go see Miss Congeniality 2
3) Shoot yourself in the head.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


My father went back to work after being retired for 6 months. He just couldn't stand it. All the more inheritance for me!

This is an interesting retirement savings model to consider. Let's say both my parents die in 20 years. They will be late-seventies, so this is not a morbid idea. I will get 1/3 of an already substantial booty. They probably don't even spend my father's two pensions that are indexed for life. Why should I save anything?

Friday, March 04, 2005



So, I was at the gym yesterday (no, really) and I saw this guy actually wearing a Creed t-shirt. It wasn't even an old one. I had many jokes in my head. I wake up this morning and Edge102 has the very sad announcement that Creed has broken up! A good hour of comedy ensued.

In memory of this historic band, I bring you a link to the happiest Creed day that AI and I ever had.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Grammy Awards

Hillary Wins Grammy:

What are the odds? Bill has won too!

I love it when the members of the Beastie Boys take the time to discuss Tibet. I would rather have my anus hair waxed than listen to that shit.

Hollywood sucking the big fat cock...

Today's rant is about Hollywood sucking the big fat cock of any actor/actress purely based on political views. I realize the entertainment world is left leaning, that's fine, but why do they make a complete mockery of their own stupid world. Examples:

Last year's Oscars. Let's see... Sean Penn as Best Actor. Didn't he go to Iraq to protest the war? Tim Robbins... a well known opponent of the right. Michael Moore... I actually really liked Bowling for Columbine, but you get the idea. Gee, Fahrenheit 9/11 wins at Cannes! What are the odds? Anybody want to make an Oscar bet?

Ellen Degeneres? Unfunny, hack. Wait, she's a lesbian! Emmy award for best talk show host.

Hilary Clinton? Let's give her a fuckin' Grammy award for reading her book, It Takes a Village.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Get Rich Slow Scheme

Danny Miles is a huge fan of my get rich slowly schemes. Here is the latest one that I thought up yesterday. I may get an honourary CFA for some of my work.

The basis of this one is that there are two things being exploited. First, the difference between the income tax rate and the dividend tax rate. Any interest on money used to invest is written off your taxes (It's a write off, Jerry!) at your income tax rate. This is double the rate you pay on dividends. Second, money can be borrowed at a rate lower than the yield on some stocks, Altria (Philip Morris) and SBC being prime examples. Basically, you are borrowing money to buy a high yielding stock. The money gained from the dividends after taxes is used to pay down the balance. It is not the classical practice of buying on margin because it doesn't matter what happens to the price of the underlying stock. All that matters in the dividends.

Some assumptions:

1) The interest rate remains the same. I get offers daily from PC FInancial for 4.97% for life on my credit card. These offers are not jokes and work quite well. You could also use a home quity loan at prime (3.5ish %)

2) The dividend does not go down. Companies will do anything not to cut their dividend. Philip Morris has raised their dividend a staggering 9% per year over the last five years. Their stock is up 4000% over the last 30 years, excluding huge dividends. This company is a cash machine. All that matters is that the dividend does not go down. Increasing dividends accelerate the paying off of the loan.


I believe big tobacco will be even bigger in 25 years. First, taxation on cigarettes is a cash cow to American states. They cannot afford to lose this source of revenue. Second, Philip Morris's growth is coming from the international market. The richer China gets, the richer Philip Morris will become. I could definitely see spreading the risk to other companies such as SBC.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

50 Best Places for Minorities to Work

This week's Fortune has the 50 Best Companies for Minorities to Work For. Does this mean that these are the 50 worst companies for white people to work for? Or, at the very least, the 50 worst companies for white people to attempt to get hired?

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Over-Qualified At Last

So, I had an interview this morning for that PC analyst job. I thought the job was doing network upgrades, new installation, etc. so I read up on that shit all week at Chapters. Oy vey. The job is, without exaggeration, installing Office on various Grand and Toy PCs across the country. The interview was a bit comical.

Guy: "So, do you have any experience installing Microsoft products?"
Me: "On my home computer."
Guy: "What about in a professional type setting?
Me: "Ummm, no."
Guy: "What was your specialty at Waterloo?
Me: "Semiconductor physics."
Guy: "So, I guess we can safely say your expertise is a little more low level than Office."

I can finally say that I was over-qualified for a job. I never thought it would happen.

Wednesday, September 01, 1999

Jamie Walters Band


My name is Kent Stalker, and I am one of the coolest guys I know. Ladies, I think I look like Jamie Walters. What do you think?

If you'd like to get to know this Jamie Walters look alike, see my profile details to email me.

Yours hiply...